Revelations
by DrWheezy
Summary: Angst ridden series of episodes from Remus' life with a few fluffy, shining lights of hope!
1. Revelations

The Marauder's had requisitioned themselves the best seats by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. Sirius was sprawled in the comfiest chair in an almost elegantly seductive way, the firelight dancing across his face enhancing his handsome features; Peter was squatting at his feet, scrawling away trying to finish his latest Charms essay; James had twisted his chair round slightly so that he could continuously glance furtively at Lily Evans who was studying with her friends across the room; and Remus was sitting cross legged in his chair, an enormous book open in his lap that he was pretending to read.

"I'm bored," declared Sirius. "Prongs, get the map; let's go do something - fun."

"Oooh," squealed Peter. "No, not yet, pleeease. I've nearly finished this."

Sirius tutted and let out a frustrated sigh. He turned his gaze to stare at the girls across the room, with James. As he considered them indifferently he seemed completely oblivious that his attention had caused most of the girls to blush and fall into fits of giggling. Lily turned her head to see what had caused the commotion and spotting James and Sirius both staring at her she glared at them, rolled her eyes and turned away again, shaking her head.

Sirius glanced at James who was subconsciously ruffling his hair again.

"Are you ever going to ask her out, Prongs?" he asked. "Not that I think she'll agree, but at least when you've been rejected we might be able to move on from this."

"I wouldn't be rejected," James stated defensively. "She just needs to realise how irresistible I am first, that's all."

"Right," said Sirius, rolling his eyes again; this was a subject that had been covered many times and Sirius found it almost as boring as doing nothing. He didn't understand why James was continuing to pine after her when she clearly wasn't interested. If he wanted a girlfriend that badly then there were plenty of others in the school he could choose from, though he didn't really see why he would; there was far too much other fun to be had without adding girlfriends into the mix, which, he was sure, would severely cut down on their marauding opportunities. Sure girls were great for eliminating boredom sometimes, but to be stuck with one, the same one all the time, snooping into your private life, trying to find out everything about you, following you around- Sirius preferred to keep things light, and fun; it beat studying anyway. His eyes fell on Remus and his enormous book; but, he supposed, it could go the other way to; too much studying and not enough girls. "Well James, maybe_ if_ that ever happens you could put in a word for Moony with her friends; he needs _something_ to take his mind off those books."

"Wh- wh-" Remus spluttered. "I do not need anything of the sort, thank you Sirius."

"Come on, Moony," Sirius grinned mischievously, winding up Remus was always good for comedy value. "When was the last time you had any action with the ladies?"

"I- well- I- I have more important things to think about, Sirius." His cheeks flushed bright pink and he dropped his eyes to his page again, avoiding Sirius gaze. "It wouldn't hurt _you_ to study a little more too."

"Please, Moony. I'm not _that _bored," he said ending the conversation, but he continued to survey Remus inquisitively with his smokey grey eyes as something occurred to him.

***

The evening played itself out in much the same way as every other evening had recently; as soon as it looked as though Lily was going to bed James hurriedly announced his own departure and dashed across so he had an excuse to say goodnight as he passed her. Peter sat scribbling away until his hand seized up with cramp and then he too left for bed. Soon Remus and Sirius were the only two left in the common room.

"Can I help you with something Sirius?" Remus asked, not looking up from his book.

"What?" Sirius replied, confused.

"You've been staring at me all evening. Have I got something on my face, maybe?" he said, finally looking up and meeting Sirius' gaze, trying his best to ignore the slight twitch in his chest as he did so.

"Sorry," said Sirius, but he continued to study Remus' face nonetheless. "I was just thinking, 's all."

"About what?" Despite himself Remus couldn't help but feel a ripple of hopeful curiosity.

"Well- don't take this the wrong way or anything, Moony- but I just don't think I can ever remember you even so-much-as showing any interest in any girls."

Remus felt his cheeks flush again but held Sirius' stare defiantly.

"So?" he demanded. "I just think studying is more important right now. Besides I hardly think it'd be a great idea for me of all people to go looking for a girlfriend; I doubt my – condition - would stay a secret for very long if I did." He flashed Sirius what he hoped was an 'obviously' kind of face and hoped that had been a good enough excuse to end the conversation once and for all.

Sirius shrugged and stopped staring, dropping his gaze to his knees instead.

"You're _sure_ that's it?" he asked curiously unable to keep the flicker of a grin from his face.. "There's not any other reason?"

"If you're suggesting that I - I stir my cauldron in the other direction then you're wrong Sirius, very wrong." Remus slammed his book shut and tossed it into James vacated seat as he stood up keen to get away from Sirius and his inquisitive stare.

"I'm just saying – you know – it'd be ok if-" Sirius started, standing too.

"I said _you're wrong_" Remus glared at Sirius but there was something else in his eyes too. He could clearly see that Sirius was still trying to mask his smirk and he could feel irritation bubbling in his stomach.

"Ok, sure," Sirius said, though there was laughter in his voice. "You know – because maybe Lily has a brother...."

Infuriated Remus shoved Sirius hard in the shoulders and made to storm off but Sirius caught him, gripping his elbow firmly and twisting Remus round to face him again. Remus had a fraction of a second to see Sirius grey eyes, full of delight and then suddenly Sirius was kissing him, holding him powerfully with both of his hands.

Remus was too stunned at first to react; his eyebrows shot up into the region of his hairline and his eyes snapped shut. The softness of Sirius' lips and the roughness of his stubble around them made his knees tremble. Then suddenly he realised what was happening, perhaps a moment too late, and he pulled back, pushing Sirius away from him, hard.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded his voice raspy and his breathing quicker than before.

"Just checking," Sirius stated innocently, still grinning. Part of Remus wanted to swing a punch at him, but another part wanted to grab Sirius and kiss him again; the longing in his chest ached. Sirius held out a hand for him to shake, "I'll just take your word for it," he said but his tone could not have made it any clearer that he still did not believe him.

Remus pushed the hand away forcefully.

"If you tell anyone about this-" he threatened, moving closer to Sirius and pushing him hard again. "I mean anyone-"

As Sirius steadied himself he gave Remus a disdainful look.

"Come on, Remus" he said "Let's not do this, shall we?" but Remus' face was lined with rage, and he made to push Sirius again. Sirius was too quick this time, however and dodged managing to shove Remus backwards instead.

Remus was breathing hard now and stepped closer to Sirius again, stretching his neck slightly so that their faces were close together. He lunged, grasping Sirius and attempting to wrestle him to the floor. Sirius fought back and the two young men struggled against each other, neither one quite managing to overpower the other. Slowly the struggling slowed and the two men stood squirming slightly, each clutching at the other, neither wanting to release the other and be caught out.

Remus could feel Sirius' breath, warm on his damp lips, his body pressed firmly against his own and his eyes searched Sirius' face; his smokey eyes, his rugged jaw, his soft lips- And then, without thinking about what he was doing, Remus kissed Sirius. The kiss was hungry and aggressive; their lips pressed hard against each other. Remus felt his teeth clash against Sirius' and tasted blood as his lip got caught. His hands clawed at Sirius back and hair, gripping desperately to him. He pressed himself harder against Sirius, the sensation of their bodies touching making his head spin and causing the longing inside him to burn.

All too soon he felt Sirius pushing him gently away. He extracted himself quickly, attempting to look revolted at what had just happened. Sirius had an expression of outstanding surprise across his face; his eyes were wide with shock but an enormous grin spread across his face.

"I _knew_ it," he declared. "Ha Ha!"

Remus' stomach dropped; he felt nauseous.

"Sirius-" he began softly, fear flickering in him.

"Mate, don't worry," Sirius cut across him; his voice reassuring as he shook his head slightly in disbelief. "I won't say anything to anyone; _no_, not even James. It's your business to tell people."

"B- But what – you – _you_ kissed me!" Remus declared, confused. "You-"

"Like I said, I was just checking, mate." He shrugged matter-of-factly at Remus.

"Then you're not – you don't –"

"Me?!" Sirius asked shocked, but chuckling to himself. "_No way_! No offence mate but you're _definitely_ not my type!" With that he strode past Remus patting him jovially on the back and made his way up to the boys' dormitory still chuckling and shaking his head.

Remus sank into the nearest chair, not quite able to believe what had just happened. For a foolish moment he had been sure Sirius was about to confess his own feelings but now he felt oddly empty. He had tried to ignore the thoughts of Sirius that occasionally flashed in the front of his mind, but now one had just become a reality and he was sure that they were going to become much harder to disregard; and yet he knew that it would never occur again. Had it been worth it, he asked himself. Definitely.


	2. Wedding Day Blues

Remus stood as Lily seemed to float down the aisle next to him. She looked breathtaking; her fiery hair cascaded down her back in soft curls and her startling green eyes shone out with happiness as she progressed towards her husband-to-be.

James was waiting eagerly; a gleeful grin spread across his face although his mouth was hanging open slightly in awe and wonderment at his own dumb luck. He looked pretty good too; his dress robes hanging off him just right and even his hair seemed to obey convention more today.

The happy couple were infinitely outshone, however, by the divine vision standing at James side. Sirius was beaming; his perfect teeth glistening and his deep, dark eyes glittering with excitement. Remus barely registered anyone else in the room as his gaze held captivated on the object of his affection; his only desire.

Throughout the small ceremony Sirius continued to nudge James and the pair shot each other playfully knowing glances when James was able to remove his eyes from Lily for a fraction of a second. Lily grinned lovingly back and didn't seem to mind that Sirius needed to remind James he was there every few seconds, so he didn't forget his best friend.

As Sirius strutted down the aisle behind the happy couple on their way to the reception he threw Remus a winning grin and a wink and made a gesture with his head that said 'come on, let's get this party started'. Remus followed somewhat reluctantly.

Remus made his way directly to the bar, took up a stool and ordered a large fire whiskey and that is where he stayed for the next hour or so. His eyes remained glued to Sirius' every move as he danced, drank, laughed and flirted with the bridesmaids.

Remus was on his fourth large glass when the band struck up a slow number and Sirius began slowly, but effortlessly elegantly, spiralling around the dance floor with the maid of honour. Remus gazed longingly at the way Sirius' hair fell across his face, perfectly framing his beautifully defined cheekbones; the way his cheek rested against the cheek of the girl he danced with; the way his hand rested so lightly, almost seductively on her waist. Memories of that one night in the common room filled his mind; the feel of Sirius' hands on _him_, the smell of him so close, the taste of his lips...

Remus felt his already burning cheeks flame more so and he drained his glass, nodding at the barman for another. When he looked back at Sirius, a fresh glass in hand, his eyes were met by the astonishingly deep, dark pair looking back at him. Sirius winked playfully at Remus who watched horrified as Sirius' hand dropped from the girl's waist to rest on her arse.

Remus felt his heart jump to his throat and found he couldn't look anymore; instead he dropped his gaze and picked absentmindedly at a small hole in the knee of his robes. The whiskey was churning in his stomach.

Somebody slid onto the stool at Remus' side and Remus recognised the scent instantly but still he couldn't look up.

"What's up, Moons?" Sirius asked. "Are you ok?"

Remus forced himself to look at Sirius and gave him a reassuring smile. Well, he tried to smile but what happened on his face was more of a sickening grimace. Sirius' eyebrows contracted.

"You sure?" he asked. "Look, why don't you come and dance for a bit. I can hook you up with one of the girls." He gestured to the flock of giggling girls who were all watching Sirius eagerly hoping to be next.

Remus looked at him incredulously.

"Oh, I know Moony but it doesn't mean you can't dance with girls does it?"

Remus turned his nose up and muttered "No one I want to dance with." It was a lie. Sirius may know of Remus' feelings towards him but he clearly had no perception of how strong they were and how hard today in particular was for him.

"Hmm," Sirius groaned. "Well how about you lay off the booze and try to smile a bit then, ok?"

Remus smiled (grimaced) again. He could feel the whiskey boiling up all the words he wanted to say in the pit of stomach and struggled to regain his self control. He watched as a seductive smirk spread across Sirius' face and he gave a flirtatious wink across the dance floor. Like a witness to a car crash Remus couldn't stop his head from turning to view the recipient. It was the maid of honour who was blushing and waving back at him. Remus felt a brand new tear rip through his already mangled heart and knew instantly that he had to get out of there.

"Actually, I think I'm going to leave," he announced getting to his feet. "I don't feel too great."

"What?!" Sirius exclaimed. "You can't just leave. It's James' wedding!"

"Yeah, well tell him I said congratulations and sorry I had to go." And with that Remus apparated straight into his apartment leaving Sirius staring opened mouthed and infuriated at the rude disappearance.

Remus flopped into his fraying armchair and summoned a new bottle of fire whiskey from the kitchen in the hope it might help wash down the choking lump in his throat; or at least make him too numb to care. He didn't bother with a glass and swigged heartily from the bottle.

Less than five minutes later there was a knock at the door. Remus ignored it.

When nobody answered the knocking came again, more aggressively and Sirius called out "Moony, open this door or I'll knock it down!"

Remus swallowed hard, took another long swig from the bottle for courage and slowly (and slightly unsteadily) made his way to open the door.

The sight of Sirius, which always knocked him slightly off balance, was aided by the copious amounts of alcohol and he found himself breathless at the sight of his friend. Sirius had removed his outer robes and was just wearing his tight black trousers and his shirt, unbuttoned at the neck. Remus fought the urge to rip it off his body. Unable to speak he raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"James isn't too happy," Sirius announced threateningly. "Are you going to get a grip and come back?"

Remus felt shock spread through him and his eyes widen to show it.

"Get a grip?" he asked slowly in disbelief. He stepped towards Sirius so their faces were inches apart and hissed vehemently "You have no idea."

Sirius didn't move away from him but his nose wrinkled in repulsion at the smell of the whiskey on Remus' breath.

"Then explain," Sirius said.

Remus rolled his eyes and pulled back, swigging from the bottle and flopping down in his chair again.

"Look, Remus," Sirius commanded. Remus registered the use of his real name, reserved only for serious situations. "I know how you feel about me but there's not much I can do about it is there? I can't go tiptoeing around you forever. I didn't ask for this and seeing as you know I don't feel the same way I think it's about time you moved on, don't you think?" Sirius' voice was sharp and cut through Remus like knives.

There was suddenly a very painful lump in Remus' throat and his head dropped, eyes closed as he held himself together. A hand placed itself gently on his shoulder, soothingly.

"I'm sorry, Moony," Sirius whispered. "I just don't know what I can do to help you this time."

Remus shook his head to signify nothing; the lump still blocking his throat.

"Would it help if – maybe – we didn't see each other for a while?"

Remus looked up now his eyes full of terror at the thought.

"No," he choked. "It – I -" he floundered trying to think of something to say and swiftly gave up, sighing and hanging his head again. He tried not to notice the awkward silence or the soothing hand remove itself from his shoulder.

After several moments, Remus heard his wireless switch on; a slow mournful song was playing. He looked up wonderingly to find Sirius standing in front of him, hand outstretched.

"Moony," he asked somewhat unsurely, an unnatural tone for his voice. "Would you dance with me... please?"

Remus hardly dared to believe what he was hearing and stared up at Sirius wide eyed.

"Huh?" he managed to grunt.

Sirius nodded.

"I have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, I might have been a completely insensitive prick," he said apologetically. "I didn't realise... well, I didn't think that... you're... I'm sorry, Moons." He waggled his hand a bit to reiterate his invitation. Remus merely stared blankly back.

"Come on, Moony, before I change my mind!"

Remus snapped out of his reverie and placed his shaking hand in Sirius', allowing it to pull him to his feet. Sirius seemed uncertain and more than a little awkward as he placed his other hand on Remus' waist. Remus sighed inwardly at the contact and placed his own spare hand on Sirius shoulder, moving slightly closer, but not so much as to scare him off.

Slowly the pair began to turn rhythmically on the spot. As the song progressed Remus moved a little closer to Sirius again and moved his hand around to his back, resting his head lightly on Sirius' shoulder. Remus breathed deeply, memorising Sirius' scent, and the feel of his body against his own, savouring every second.

As the song came to an end Remus reluctantly pulled away from Sirius. Stupidly he looked up into his eyes as he moved and got momentarily lost. He felt his breathing deepen slightly as he began to lean in closer again.

Sirius' hands were at his shoulders and holding him back gently.

"Woah, Moons," he said, clearing his throat in an undoubtedly masculine way. "I know I'm irresistible but just because I danced with you doesn't mean I'm suddenly swinging in new directions!"

"Oh god, sorry Sirius," Remus muttered blushing and looking away.

"S'ok, Moony," he said reassuringly. "So... are we going to be ok?"

Remus looked up at him again and nodded, smiling to cover the lie.

"Good," Sirius exclaimed. "Can I persuade you to come back to the party then?"

Remus raised his eyebrows suggestively, smirking.

"Merlin, no!" Sirius' eyebrows shot up. "Dancing with another man is quite enough thank you very much."

Remus chuckled to himself.

"Ok, Pads," he said. "I'll come back but on one condition."

Sirius looked unsure.

"You stop groping bridesmaids on the dance floor," Remus finished smiling, although his heart was by no means joking.

"Ha, I'll do my best," Sirius declared punching Remus playfully on the arm. "No promises though, Moons, they can't keep their hands off me! You should understand that." He winked at his friend and began tugging him out the door and back to Remus own personal living hell.


	3. Left Behind

A small handful of the Order of the Phoenix was gathered in the small dingy kitchen, all quietly grieving the death of one of their own. Marlene McKinnon had not only been murdered herself but the Death Eaters had gone after the rest of her family as well. The horrific event had hit home hardest with those members who had families of their own; James was comforting Lily nearby and in the corner of the kitchen Frank Longbottom was attempting to console his wife who was defiantly trying to make tea for everyone. Nobody wanted to think about who they would have lost if it had been them who were targeted.

Remus felt as though he and Sirius were intruding on the two couples' grief. He fiddled awkwardly with a loose thread in his robes trying to ignore the glances that Sirius kept shooting him. He too was trying hard not to think about who else the Order could have lost that evening and the unimaginable pain it would have caused him. He was already aching to reach out and clutch Sirius too him; to never let him go so he could never be in danger of loosing him.

After a short while mugs of steaming tea were placed in front of everyone on the table, though they remained ignored by all except Sirius who wrapped his hands around his own mug just for something to occupy them with. He continued to look over at Remus, trying to get his attention, but Remus avoided his gaze and the temptations it held. The atmosphere in the kitchen was so thick and heavy; nobody knew what to say or wanted to be the one to break the silence.

Fifteen unbearable minutes later Remus heard Sirius' chair legs screech back on the stone floor and a hand placed itself gently on Remus' shoulder giving a gentle squeeze.

"Moony?" Sirius' voice was barely audible as he squeezed his shoulder again in a 'can we get out of here' kind of way.

Remus rose reluctantly to his feet and shuffled out of the kitchen not meeting Sirius' gaze. None of the others in the room looked up as they left, all too preoccupied with their own grieving. Remus led the way out into the dark back garden, taking a deep breath of the cool fresh air to steady himself before he turned to Sirius. Seeing the pain drawn across his friends face; the horror in his deep, dark eyes was almost too much and Remus wanted to reach out to him even more but his common sense remained resilient.

"Thanks, Moons," Sirius muttered. "I just had to get out of there, you know?"

Remus nodded his understanding, not trusting himself to speak.

"It's not that I'm not upset about Marlene but I couldn't stop thinking how it could have been any of us; me - James... you." He shook his head as if trying to shake the thoughts from it.

"I know," Remus mumbled half choking on the words. He suddenly found he could not look at Sirius, not with the thoughts of losing him playing through his mind. He turned away and walked a little further down the garden into the shadows trying to swallow the sharp lump in his throat as he went. He could hear Sirius' soft footfalls following him across the grass.

"I don't know how I'd cope if anything happened to – any of you guys," Sirius rambled quietly, partly to himself. Remus tried not to listen as he felt a small flickering in his chest. "I'd probably go crazy and end up getting myself killed trying to get revenge or something."

Remus could not control the short gasp that escaped him and he turned suddenly to find Sirius much closer than he had anticipated. They were only inches apart.

"Don't," Remus said half pleading; his eyes were prickling and he tried not to notice the feel of Sirius eyes boring into his or his breath tickling across his skin. They sensations sent shudders trickling down his spine. Subconsciously he licked his lips as he felt unable to remove his eyes from Sirius' own and his heart rate increased considerably.

"Well, it's true, Moons," Sirius seemed oblivious to Remus' current mind lock. "You guys are more like my family than anyone else. When I heard the Dark Mark had been sighted tonight, my first thought," he shook his head. "I don't know why but I thought – I thought something had happened to you."

Remus' eyes shot from Sirius' lips to his eyes to find them full of uncertainty. He hardly dared to believe what he was hearing. The yearning in him doubled and he struggled to stay in control of his breathing.

"I felt so – so angry. I wanted – I wanted someone to pay," Sirius' voice was starting to sound ever so slightly panicked and Remus couldn't help himself as he reached out to him. He pulled Sirius to him and the two men embraced. Remus turned his face away to avoid temptation but clung slightly desperately to Sirius, breathing in his scent deeply, reigniting the memory of it in his mind. One of his hands pressed Sirius' head into him and he savoured the silken feeling of his hair between his fingers. He wondered if it were his imagination or if Sirius really was clinging longingly back. Sirius was so rarely like this, so rarely gave insight into his thoughts; he was almost sensitive and it made Remus long to protect him.

Slowly, and reluctantly, they pulled away from each other; it felt as though a part of his chest was tearing in two. Remus continued to hold Sirius by the shoulders, not able to let go again now he was touching him. Sirius sighed heavily.

"I really don't know what I'd do without you, Moons. Without any of you guys," he said and Remus felt the tiny flicker of hope in his chest die as though Sirius had doused it with a cauldron full of freezing cold water. "Hell, I don't really have anyone else, I guess."

"Sirius," Remus muttered, letting his arms drop to his sides. "You know you'll always have me."

Sirius shot him a questioning look as though reading the subtext of his statement.

"I know, Moons," he said and batted him affectionately on the arm. "I know."


	4. Grief Shared

James was dead and Sirius was to blame. Peter was dead and Sirius was to blame. Remus felt like a part of him too had died, and Sirius was to blame.

He couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened. How could it be true? How could Sirius be responsible? Sirius who had claimed to hate the Dark Arts so much; Sirius who had joined in, no led them on the many occasions that they had taunted and tormented the supporters of the Dark Arts at school, and then gone on to battle Death Eaters alongside his friends; Sirius, who had once laughed and joked with them in the common room; Sirius who had once kissed him to prove a point and then kept his word and never told; Sirius who he had grown to love desperately over the past few years, always knowing that they could never be.

Remus felt betrayed, cheated; how could he have gotten Sirius so wrong? The Sirius he thought he knew, that he loved, would never have betrayed James and Lily; Remus had seen him fight so recklessly to save them both on several occasions, even to the point of risking his own life. If it was true though, why would Sirius kill James and Peter and leave Remus alive, and alone, with his grief; he felt a powerful surge of resentment for it.

The torrents of emotions battling inside him to reach the foreground were too much. Remus buried his face in his hands and was surprised to feel that it was wet from tears he had not realised he was crying. He rocked slightly in his seat, as he breathed deeply trying to suppress the mounting emotional wave.

To his right a door closed softly and footsteps made their way across to him; Dumbledore had returned to his office, where Remus had been waiting ever since he had found him and told him of the night's events. He heard Dumbledore move around his desk and sit down with a tiresome sigh. Remus looked up at him to find the headmasters eyes glistening slightly more than was usual.

"Harry is now with his aunt and uncle," Dumbledore said simply whilst conjuring a bottle of amber liquid and two small glasses onto his desk. He poured a little of the brown liquid into each glass and offered one to Remus who took it without speaking. As he stared into the swirling liquor in his glass Remus noticed that the clashing emotions inside him seemed to be subsiding, instead leaving an empty numbness in their place. He drank the liquor down in one, feeling it burn the inside of his throat, relishing in the pain it caused, and placed the empty glass back on the desk for Dumbledore to refill.

The two men sat in silence for several minutes, drinking and thinking over what had happened until eventually Remus spoke.

"How?" he croaked, his throat raw from the drink. "How could Sirius- "

"I cannot say," replied Dumbledore, his voice full of sadness. "If I knew perhaps this could have been prevented; unfortunately I was never much good at divination."

Remus rolled his eyes; how could Dumbledore be so flippant now.

"At least Sirius was captured," Dumbledore went on. "I'm sure he will be locked up in Azkaban by now. Let us pray that he remains there."

"_Pray_?" Remus spat. "Pray that my closest friend stays locked in that – that _place_ for the rest of his life?"

"You would rather he were free to march alongside the Death Eaters?" Dumbledore asked casually.

"No... of course not," Remus muttered. "I don't – I don't know what to think... to feel. I don't – I can't -" His voice cracked and he broke off feeling fresh hot tears spill down his cheeks.

"You care about Sirius very much, don't you?"

"Of course I do," he choked. "He's my best – my closest – I – I -"

"I mean as more than a friend, Remus." The headmaster stated softly, more breathing than words than speaking.

Remus looked up at him, his brow ever so slightly furrowed, ready to leap to his own defence but as his gaze met the piercing blue looking back at him he found he could not muster the strength. Instead he nodded subtly, his eyes fluttered shut as more tears leaked from them and a ball of anguish rose up blocking his throat.

He heard Dumbledore sigh again, but this time there was real pain in the sound. As he glanced up through his tears he saw that Dumbledore's eyes were closed.

"What?" asked Remus, irritated by the headmaster's reaction. "Is that so wrong?"

"No," Dumbledore mumbled. "No, not at all. You misunderstand."

"What - I don't -" Remus stammered confused.

"I too was unfortunate enough to fall in love with someone I could never be with and they too turned out to be quite the villain."

"But – who?" Remus asked; he had never thought of his headmaster as having a romance with anyone, after all who could possibly be a match for the greatest wizard of their time?

Dumbledore seemed to consider the question for a moment before answering.

"It is unimportant, who he was." Remus felt a ripple in his chest at the word 'he' but it passed swiftly and he found he was not surprised. "It only matters that my love for him blinded me from seeing who he really was; a power hungry, dark wizard."

Remus wasn't sure quite what to say. This insight into Dumbledore's life was slightly disturbing, seeing a weakness that so few knew about and revealed him as human as the next man.

"So you see I can understand something of what you are feeling."

"Did he kill your best friends?" Remus asked somewhat accusingly, not wanting to be understood, needing this to be his moment of grief not one to be shared.

Dumbledore's eyes closed and a stray tear was squeezed between the lids and suddenly Remus felt guilty for his words.

"I'm sorry I just - " he began.

"It is understandable. You want to hurt those around you as you yourself are hurting," Dumbledore said, his voice slightly choked. "Heartbreak is a terrible thing for it ends the most wonderful and strongest of magic."

So that's what this was, Remus thought, heartbreak. His heart had always been slightly broken, cracking more and more as he had watched Sirius flirting with the girls around them and knowing that it could never be him; but now it was shattered and Remus suspected it was beyond repair.

The two men sat quietly in Dumbledore's office, drinking liquor until the early hours of the morning. Occasionally one would speak, sharing stories that they remembered of Sirius and James and Peter, or speculating theories on how this could have happened. Both men cried at times, particularly Remus. They did not console each other with embraces or comforting words but merely allowed each other to grieve. As dawn was threatening to break Remus rose to leave, and Dumbledore handed him one last drink.

"A toast," he said. "To the dead; to James and Lily and Peter."

'And to Sirius' Remus thought to himself for the man he loved was also dead.


	5. Returning

Remus sat staring at the table in front of him. On his left was laid a letter from Albus Dumbledore thanking him for agreeing to take up the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts that coming September. On his right was the day's Daily Prophet; the headline screaming up at him in angry block letters, "Black Still at Large; Azkaban Escapee Still Missing".

Remus had spent the last twelve years trying to push the memory of Sirius Black from his mind; to forget and move on, but now this unforgiving reminder had come at the worst possible time. He knew returning to Hogwarts would be hard, each hallway and classroom harbouring so many memories of a happier time. Now with his old friends' face plastered across the media, however, and his escape everyone's favourite topic of conversation the memories would be damn near impossible to ignore.

When Sirius had first escaped Remus had hardly recognised the photo splayed across the front page as his old friend. Where once had been the handsome and well defined features, that had occupied Remus' thoughts so often, were now hollowed cheeks and cold, dead eyes. The haunted face screamed silently up at him and he tried to make himself hate it, forcibly reminding himself of what the man he thought he knew had done to James and Lily, and to Peter.

He'd thought momentarily of writing to Dumbledore and apologising for having to turn down the post, suspecting that walking to halls of Hogwarts again would make life infinitely harder, but work was so hard to come by and Dumbledore had done so much for him. So when September 1st rolled around Remus packed his battered suitcase and boarded the once familiar Hogwarts Express.

Remus avoided recollections of his old best friend as best he could once he arrived at Hogwarts; he stopped taking The Daily Prophet and avoided areas of the castle that held particularly poignant memories for him. Nothing he did though could stop the images of Sirius' face appearing in his dreams. He could only suspect that the frequent pacing of familiar hallways was causing his mind to relive old memories in his sleep. On more than one occasion he had dreamt about that evening in the common room when Sirius had kissed him. In the dream as Sirius pulled away his face began to change and transfigured into the deadened screaming face from the cover of the Daily prophet. On those nights Remus had woken with a start to find the flood of emotion running through him unbearable, causing him to suddenly break down uncontrollably and cry himself back to sleep.

The days he found much easier to handle, with constant distractions from students and classes. Remus threw himself into classes with an enormous amount of enthusiasm, planning exercises until late into the evening and getting up early in the mornings to prepare for them. He also found that the more time that he spent with Harry Potter the more he was reminded of James and happier times; and what more he'd lost that horrific night than Sirius Black.

Before he knew it Halloween had rolled around and Remus found himself seated at the staff table in the Great Hall surrounded by glowing pumpkins and a cloud of live bats fluttering overhead. Despite the buzzing atmosphere and excitable conversation around him his mind kept drifting to the same night 12 years before. An expert at hiding his inner feelings Remus did well to hide his thoughts of the anniversary of his friends' deaths, plastering a broad grin across his face whenever anybody leaned across to speak to him. When the feast ended however, he left the hall swiftly, dashing back to his room and locking himself away to be alone with his thoughts before anyone could corner him.

He found himself a bottle of fire whisky and seated himself in a comfy chair by the fire. Outside he could hear commotion in the corridor and he switched his wireless on to drown it out, glad that he wasn't on duty tonight. As he drank he allowed his mind to wander freely. He drank to each of his friends that he'd lost, unable to think of a more fitting tribute than getting slowly drunk alone in his room.

When he woke in the morning Remus discovered that he had missed more than he could ever have anticipated. As he was making his way down to breakfast, a headache throbbing at his temples, Dumbledore appeared next to him and pulled him to one side.

"Excuse me, Remus, may I have a moment?" he asked softly. Remus noticed that he looked uncharacteristically tired. He nodded and followed Dumbledore into an empty classroom.

"What is it, Professor?" he asked, having never quite got into the habit of addressing Dumbledore by his first name.

"Are you at all of aware of what took place in the castle last night, Remus?" Unsure of what he meant Remus' face remained blank and he shook his head.

"Well, it would seem that whilst the school was at the feast last night Sirius Black entered this castle and attempted to force entry into Gryffindor tower. I can only assume that he was attempting to reach Harry Potter and finish what Voldemort could not accomplish 12 years ago."

Remus felt as though an icy fist clutched at his heart but at the same time a surprising fiery hatred boiled up in his stomach.

"Why did nobody inform me sooner? I could have helped with the search." He almost snarled the words through his unexpected rage. Remus was not an angry person normally but the vengeful thoughts that were running through his mind now, not only about catching Black but about the things he would do to him if he did, were shocking.

"Forgive me, Remus," Dumbledore murmured. "Given the circumstances I thought it perhaps better not involve you until the circumstances were completely clear."

Remus felt a further twinge of rage before he realised that Dumbledore had meant that he did not think him emotionally stable enough to deal with this and he became filled with shame instead.

"Right," he mumbled, head bowed to examine his shoes.

"I hate to ask, Remus," Dumbledore began warily, "but I am assuming from your reaction that you had no idea and that you have had no contact with Sirius Black since his escape."

"What?!" Remus exclaimed appalled, "Of course not. How could you even think -?"

Dumbledore held up his hand to stop him; an understanding smile on his weathered face now.

"I thought not, being a rather accomplished legilimens, but I felt I should probably ask just to be certain." He placed a comforting hand on Remus' shoulder and scrutinized him for a moment from behind his half moon glasses. "Are you alright, Remus?"

Remus knew there was more behind the question than a simple enquiry into his health. He gave a small nod and answered "I'm fine". Dumbledore dropped his hand and the conversation was over. The two men continued to the Great Hall for breakfast; Remus with considerably more on his mind than his hangover.


	6. Suspicious Minds

A/N: Ok, so I fail again. Its been ages since I wrote or updated anything so here's something new. It's not much, a bit of a bridging chapter before the next one which is a biggie! I have started the next one but it got so epic I had to stop. However, I have some time on my hands lately so will try to do something with it... promise! In the mean time here is this bit. It's kind of lots of little bits I didn't want to leave out so nothing massive really happens but next time.... woah!

If anyone is still watching/reading/remotely interested in this fic then sorry and thanks! And don't forget to review please!!

* * *

The rest of the year passed without any huge events. There continued to be sightings of Sirius Black in the Hogsmeade area but soon they became old news to Remus. He had to endure more accusatory looks from Severus Snape, who clearly thought that Remus was the one helping Black into the castle, but he continued to produce the Wolfsbane potion for him every month which allowed him to transform into the werewolf and yet retain his own mind. Remus had also begun to give Harry Potter extra lessons in an attempt to teach him to produce a Patronus to help fight off the Dementors, whose effect caused Harry to relive the night of his parents death whenever they were near. Harry had progressed unexpectedly in these lessons and Remus could only put it down to his determination not to revisit that night; the knowledge that that particular night was one that he himself never wanted to relive spurred Remus on in continuing to help Harry so willingly.

By February Harry was able to produce an indistinct patronus at every attempt, in itself a huge achievement for a wizard so young. However, Remus suspected that Harry was becoming frustrated that he had not progressed further and so decided to reward Harry's efforts with a bottle of Butterbeer, something that, having never visited Hogsmeade, Harry would never have tasted before. Remus was mildly shocked to discover that Harry had had Butterbeer before and little question marks rose in his mind. He considered for a moment the possibility that Harry had indeed managed to sneak into Hogsmeade, despite the security around the castle but decide that it was not only unlikely but that surely Harry was not that careless. The conversation moved briefly to Quidditch the conversation before running dry ran out and they drank in silence for a moment. Remus was not entirely sure how to talk to Harry outside the realms of teaching; he looked so much like James it was difficult not to assume that Harry would be the same as his father. Remus also did not want to invite the questioning that would occur if he told Harry that he had known his parents; Remus didn't feel ready to reveal that yet and thought it would be somewhat unprofessional to reveal Harry's father had been one of his best friends.

Harry soon broke the silence by asking, somewhat hesitantly, what lay hidden beneath a Dementors' hood. Remus considered his response before beginning to explain about the horrific Dementors' kiss; clarifying for Harry that the victim would not die but be left an empty, soulless shell when at first he was unclear of the effects. As Remus explained his mind couldn't help but return to the words of the Daily Prophet article he had glimpsed that morning over Professor Flitwick's shoulder. He took a large swig of Butterbeer before saying partly to Harry, and partly just to hear the words aloud for himself

"It is the fate that awaits Sirius Black."

There was a heavy silence for a moment during which Remus, thought about the implications of this. Remus felt a vengeful hatred for this 'other' Sirius, the one that had killed his old friends that night and wanted to see him brought to justice, but the Dementors' Kiss? A nagging voice in the back of his mind kept insistently reminding him that this 'other' Sirius was in fact the same one that had kissed him that night in the common room and if the Dementors used this weapon that old Sirius would truly be gone forever.

Harry suddenly declared

"He deserves it."

"You think so?" Remus replied, surprised at how harshly Harry's declaration had cut through him. "Do you really think anyone deserves that?"

"Yes," Harry stated defiantly, "for... for some things."

Remus wondered at Harry's words, pondering how much he knew about Sirius but at the same time he couldn't ignore the surprisingly overwhelming pity he felt for Sirius, new or old, should he fall victim to the Dementors.

It was only the following night that Remus found himself in the middle of another hunt for Black. Remus had just been about to turn in for the night when there had been a frantic knocking at his door and Professor McGonagall was standing there in her tartan dressing gown; an anxious look on her face. Apparently this time Sirius had managed to gain entry to Gryffindor tower, having found a list of passwords unwisely written down and subsequently lost by a student. The search was fruitless and Sirius escaped yet again, thankfully without harming anyone. It seemed that he had made it as far as Harry Potter's dormitory but selected wrong bed when attempting to find him and been startled when the occupant, Ron Weasley had awoken and had run for it.

As he finally made it to bed that night Remus wondered, not for the first time, if he should confess to Dumbledore about the Marauders' rule breaking whilst at school, the secret passageways that they had discovered and reveal that Sirius was in fact an animagi. This however would mean incriminating himself and he didn't think he could stand to see the disappointment in Dumbledore's face. He also expected that the fact that Remus had not come forward earlier would get him into some amount of trouble and he couldn't jeopardise losing his job and so as he rolled over to go to sleep he pushed down his feelings of guilt to deal with later.

***

The next Saturday afternoon Remus was summoned to Severus Snape's office where it appeared that Snape was accusing Harry of visiting Hogsmeade without permission. The contents of Hary's pockets lay spread on the desk in front of him; what appeared to be an old sheet of parchment and a bag of Zonko's products. It seemed to Remus that his previous suspicions had been correct and Harry had indeed been sneaking into Hogsmeade. It was as he picked up the piece of battered parchment Remus realised how. As Remus reached out and took the parchment the familiar feel of the soft, crinkled parchment sent a pang tearing through his chest. It was the Marauders' Map that he and his friends had made during their old school days. He was shocked and partly appalled at Harry, not to mention incredibly curious as to how he came to have it in his possession but he pushed all questions aside for the moment as he wracked his brain for a way to get out of this situation. Remus neither wanted to incriminate Harry further nor draw unnecessary attention to the map. Luckily, Harry's friend Ron burst into the room out of breath and full of false alibis providing Remus with a perfect way of glossing over the situation.

Remus told a disbelieving Snape that he had better keep hold of the parchment and investigate it further just in case there was some dark magic concealed within it and so map in hand, and Harry and Ron in tow, Remus left Snape's office. Remus kept his curiosity hidden as he made his disappointment in Harry known, berating him for not being responsible enough to hand the map in. Almost revealing his own connections to the map and raising questions from Harry Remus swiftly changed tact trying to impress upon Harry how serious the situation was. Harry seemed unable to grasp just how serious Sirius' escape and the continually more successful attempts to get to Harry were. Finally Remus was forced to resort to some harsh words about Harry's parents which tore at him to say to try to get through to Harry before striding away quickly to hide the pain in his eyes.


	7. Reunited

Remus sat staring at the map hour after hour, night after night watching for a sign of Sirius Black. It was on one such evening that Remus saw, perfectly clearly, Peter Pettigrews' name leaving Hagrid's cabin along with Harry Potter and his two friends Ron and Hermione. Remus couldn't believe his eyes at first; perhaps he was tired and the memories the map stirred up were starting to materialise before his eyes. He looked away from the map for a moment, rubbed his eyes and took a deep drink from his goblet. He looked down once more at the map and there, sure as anything was the strange quartet making their way across the grounds towards the castle. Remus knew better than to suspect a fault with the map; after all it had been he himself who had put the charm on it all the years ago to 'bring it to life'.

Suddenly Peter's dot on the map broke away from the group, closely followed by Ron. Harry and Hermione seemed to hesitate for a moment before giving chase. Then from nowhere, after weeks of waiting, the name Sirius Black came bounding onto the map. Remus felt as though an icy hand had just clenched around his heart at the sight of the name. He realised where in the grounds they were; at the entrance to the secret passage he had used so often as a student; the one guarded by the Whomping Willow. Something in the back of his mind told him that he had known all year that this would be where Sirius had been but he had never admitted it to himself.

His brow furrowed in confusion at the scene unfolding before his eyes, trying to unravel the mystery of it and then suddenly realisation crashed over him like an enormous wave. His chest shuddered and tears welled up in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks from nowhere. Everyone had got it wrong; Peter wasn't dead, Sirius hadn't murdered him. His emotions overwhelmed him as he realised what Sirius must have been through, alone and unbelieved, locked away in Azkaban for a crime he had never committed.

Within seconds Remus was on his feet, stowing his wand in his belt and hastily wiping his face on his sleeve as he rushed from his office and out into the grounds, striding purposefully towards the Whomping Willow. His thoughts collided angrily in his head; Sirius hadn't killed Peter, he could be forgiven; but wait Sirius had still betrayed James and Lily and so he mustn't be forgiven; why had Peter hidden himself all these years? The pieces of the puzzle still didn't fit; Remus could not make sense of it all but he knew the only way to resolve it was to give into the unchallengeable desire burning in his chest; the desire to see Sirius.

Remus levitated a long stick from the ground and used it to press the familiar knot in the trees' trunk, freezing the flailing branches above him. As he hurried along the dank, dark passageway that led to the Shrieking Shack he noticed how much smaller it seemed now than it had as a student and he felt a crick begin to build in his neck as he ran stooping down.

Finally the passage began to climb upwards and Remus clambered through the trapdoor. He could hear raised, panicked voices. Following the sound of them up the dusty stairs he could see a door, slightly ajar, blocking his way. Hermione Granger's voice was calling out for help. He sped up.

His breathing came in shaky, uneven rasps and his heart had risen to his throat and was beating so violently it was making him feel nauseas. It took every ounce of strength that he possessed to make him reach his hand out for that door knob. He knew that waiting on the other side was Sirius, the love of his life and the reason two of his friends were dead.

The barrage of emotions inside of him; fear, anger and desperation just a few of them, boiled up and caused a spray of red sparks to shoot from his wand as the door swung back on its hinges. His eyes scanned the room, frantically taking in the scene before finally resting on the figure of Sirius slumped against the wall, Harry Potter standing over him, his wand directed straight at Sirius' heart. Panic swelled inside Remus and before he'd even thought the word he had screamed the disarming spell with such force that he sent all the clutched wands in the room flying into the air. Remus caught them in his spare hand and turned his eyes back to Sirius.

Everything else in the room disappeared in a haze of fog and Sirius was all that Remus could see. His old friend was just visible through the long matted curtains of dark hair, the hollowed cheeks and the cold, lifeless eyes. Remus fought the urge to go to him, hold him in his arms and never let go. _He's innocent_, he thought, _He didn't get Peter._ _Peter is alive_.

"Where is he, Sirius?" he managed to choke coldly, forcibly reminding himself that Sirius was still as good as a murderer.

Sirius' face remained dead and emotionless as he raised his hand to point in the direction of Ron Weasley.

"But then..." Remus muttered staring at Sirius trying to read the truth on his blank face; the events still did not make sense to him; the pieces refused to fit. "... why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless -" a possibility suddenly occurred to Remus, so ludicrous that he would never have suspected it; but then maybe that had been the point. "- unless_ he_ was the one ... unless you switched ... without telling me?"

Sirius nodded ever so slightly, but that tiny movement and the meaning behind it hit Remus so hard that he felt like he'd just been whacked in the stomach by the Whomping Willow. His insides were crumbling, his knees threatened to buckle, and his mind was swirling too fast. All the hatred that had built over the past twelve years was irrelevant; it had been aimed at the wrong man. How could Remus have been so blind; so quick to believe the worst in the man he loved?

Harry was speaking but Remus couldn't hear the words over the pounding in his ears. His wand arm dropped limply to his side; he no longer had the strength to hold it up. He struggled agonizingly to hold back the torrent of emotion that yearned to escape him; to hold back the urge to run to Sirius, cling tightly to him and beg for forgiveness. Instead he took a carefully measured step towards his old friend and held out his hand. Sirius took it and the touch sent electricity shooting through Remus' body. Tears welled in his eyes once again and he swept Sirius into his arms, burying his face in his hair. Remus' fingers dug aggressively into Sirius' back as he clutched him tightly, trying to make up for twelve years of lost time in that one embrace. Sirius hugged him back just as tightly and Remus felt the rise and fall of his chest as Sirius inhaled his scent. The pain in Remus' chest was excruciating, but it was a new pain; it felt as though it were healing cracks instead of causing them, melting the broken pieces back together.

Hermione screamed something Remus barely heard but the sound broke the men of their private reunion. Remus pulled painfully away from Sirius and forced himself to tear his gaze away from those eyes and to the cause of Hermione's cry.

She was pointing, her face contorted with rage.

"You...you..." She stammered.

"Hermione..." Remus began, attempting to put aside what was happening is heart long enough to regain control of their current situation.

"...you and him!" she screeched.

"Hermione, calm down..." Remus wondered for a moment how she could know before realising what she meant.

"I didn't tell anyone!" Hermione shouted. "I've been covering up for you all year..."

"Hermione, listen to me, please!" Remus shouted over her. "I can explain..."

But then Harry was shouting too, and Remus couldn't make himself heard.

"He's a werewolf!" Hermione shrieked bringing about a ringing silence.


	8. The Morning After

A/N: I wanted to continue writing where the last chapter left off but it didn't take long to realise that I was simply copying out of the book so I gave that up as a bad job. Plus it was incredibly boring and didn't allow for as much scope for Remus stuff as I'd hoped. So instead I've jumped a bit in time. If you need to fill the gap might I suggest you read chapter eighteen of PoA and simply insert a few more angst-ful bits from Moony struggling to contain his emotions and not pounce on Sirius and ravage him in front of everyone!

* * *

Remus woke cold and naked in the forest. The sky was still dark but there was the telltale tint of pink on the horizon that told that dawn was breaking. Every bone in his body ached and there was a damp earthy taste in mouth mixed with the unmistakable tinny flavour of blood. He searched the surrounding area desperately afraid of what he might find; _'don't let it be human, please don't let it be human' _he thought as he looked. Finally he discovered the mangled remains of rabbit half hidden beneath some brambles. He breathed a sigh of relief, inwardly thanking whatever gods might be listening, before turning to himself. He had sustained worse. There were infinite scratches across his torso and some nasty bites on his arms and lower legs but nothing he couldn't fix himself once he found his wand.

Remus gathered his strength and made in the direction of the castle, whose turrets he could just make out towering over the tops of the trees. As he hobbled and limped his way through the trees he tried to recollect the events of the previous evening. He remembered Severus' untimely interruption before the students collectively Stunned him and the flare of hope that had given him. Then they had forced Peter to show himself for the cowardly vermin he was; he had begged for his life but it had been Harry that provided the voice of reason, showing mercy where Remus and Sirius could not, persuading them to take Peter to the castle to clear Sirius' name and fuelling the hope in Remus further. He remembered leaving the shack and taking the passage to the Whomping Willow but then all was dark in a haze of blinding pain.

How could he have been so careless; how could he have forgotten the date and allowed himself to be in the presence of others, of _students_, on the night of the full moon. He dreaded the think what had happened once he had transformed. Sirius would have known what was happening instantly, having seen Remus transform many times before but would he have been able to get the others out of harm's way in time?

Remus had reached the edge of the forest. The light in the sky was growing stronger now but he knew he was safe to cross the grounds unseen. No one in the castle would be awake yet, unless of course there was an angry mob waiting with fiery torches and pitchforks at the ready to lay their fury on the monstrous beast. But there was no such mob and Remus made it as far as the Whomping Willow without incident. He picked up a long branch from the ground and prodded the familiar knot that ceased the flailing of the branches above him, before clambering into the hole at the tree's base.

When he reached the Shrieking Shack he was mildly disappointed to find it empty. He wasn't sure what he had expected, maybe Sirius to be there waiting to help patch him up as he had once when they were boys. Maybe he had half expected to find the players of last night's events there waiting to continue from where they had left off. He looked around somewhat lost in his solitude. There were no clothes here waiting as there had used to be. He did not know where his wand was; he felt small and helpless and alone.

Remus lowered himself gently down onto the edge of the bed as he surveyed his surroundings and thought about his next move. He could make out scuffed footsteps from the night before in the dust on the floor. His eyes drifted to the corner and it was as if he could still see Sirius slumped there, Harry standing over him. An unfamiliar feeling fluttered in Remus' chest as he realised that right now Sirius might be up in the castle, a free man. Perhaps he was in the hospital wing under the care of Madam Pomfrey, or perhaps he was well enough that Professor Dumbledore had found him a room somewhere. He couldn't suppress his happiness at the thought and rose from the bed eager to get back to the castle again.

As he made for the door he spotted a familiar silvery object lying in the shadows. He bent and picked up the invisibility cloak, remembering the odd liquid-like feel of the fabric through his fingers as he threw it around himself, his wide grin disappearing instantly.

Remus tried to control his imagination as he crossed the grounds to the castle but after twelve years he was out of practise and happy scenes of a much more private and intimate reunion with Sirius flashed across his eyes. He was under no illusion that Sirius' feelings towards him would have changed whilst in Azkaban but he was in such a state of euphoria that it did not seem to matter. Simply having Sirius back was enough.

The entrance hall was deserted; it was still too early for anyone to be awake so Remus took the familiar path to his own office to find clothes and clean himself up before seeking Sirius. As he reached the second floor, and his office door he was surprised to see Professor Dumbledore heading towards him. He removed the cloak from around his head but clutched it closely around his neck to hide his nakedness. The sudden appearance of Remus' head seemed of no surprise to Dumbledore who merely stated in a sombre voice

"Good Morning Remus. I think perhaps we had better step inside."

Remus opened the door to allow Dumbledore to enter before him and then excused himself briefly to dress. When he returned to the office Dumbledore had placed Remus' wand on the deck and taken the seat in front of it, leaving the teacher's seat free for Remus. He sat down gingerly, the scratches on his body starting to sting as they healed naturally.

"Professor..." Remus began, "last night... In forgetting to take the Wolfsbane Potion I put the entire school in danger. I fully understand that this means you will have to relieve me of my position as a Professor here."

Dumbledore held up his hands to stop Remus who couldn't help but notice that he looked very tired again.

"Yes, indeed a grievous error on your part Remus, but you are human after all and we all make mistakes." Dumbledore smiled and paused to allow the effect of these words to sink in. Remus felt a rush of gratitude and affection toward the headmaster who had always accepted anyone from any walk of life.

"I actually wanted to discuss the events that followed your transformation." Dumbledore went on, the serious tone returned to his voice.

'_No'_ Remus panicked, _'please no; don't let me have bitten someone...'_

"Don't worry, nobody was hurt," Dumbledore reassured him as though reading his thoughts. "However, the unfortunate timing of your transformation did mean that Peter Pettigrew was able to escape."

"What? But how... what happened? Where's Sirius?" Sudden panic gripped him like any icy fist; had it all been for nothing, had the Dementors got Sirius anyway; had they already...

"Sirius is fine." Dumbledore broke through Remus sinister thoughts. "With a little assistance he was able to escape before the Dementors were allowed to administer their... _justice_." Dumbledore said the last word with such disdain he almost spat it. Remus still couldn't understand what had happened.

"It would seem that when you transformed Sirius was torn between the desire to be free and bring Pettigrew to justice and the desire to protect his old friend. He chose you."

Remus was a mess of mixed emotions. Sirius had chosen Remus over himself, over his own freedom. But that had meant that Pettigrew had escaped, Sirius was still a wanted man. But Remus knew the truth, and Dumbledore and Harry and a host of others. It wasn't perfect but it could have been infinitely worse. And Sirius had chosen Remus...

Remus looked at Dumbledore who smiled gently back at him, the one man who knew what Sirius choice really meant. Twelve years of hatred and mistrust forgiven in an instant; forgiven in one embrace. Remus sighed with relief and as he did felt that relief course through his body. It felt as though in making himself hate Sirius every muscle in his body had been tense without his knowledge. The ache of it had become so regular he had not noticed until now, as it finally lifted. It was the most human Remus had felt in a long time.


	9. Lying Low

A/N: Ok, I wrote this years ago and was never convinced it belonged as part this 'saga' but I felt that you all deserved a break from the uber-angst that has come before and so put this in as some (almost) light relief. I will post the original much fluffier version separately for anyone who wants it. If I decide one day that I hate it, or am hit by inspiration and write something better then I may take it down again but for now, here you go:

* * *

Remus had been pottering nervously all day. His small, shabby studio apartment could not possibly have looked tidier. He was in the tiny kitchen area, re-checking for the fifteenth time that he had all the ingredients ready for dinner when there was a quiet scratching at the door. Though the sound was barely audible Remus jumped and dropped the wooden spoon he was clutching with a clatter. He hurried to the door, abandoning the wooden spoon, and pulled it open with so much vigour that the hinges groaned ominously.

Sitting meekly on the doorstep was a large black dog. Remus grinned sheepishly at the dog letting it enter and gesturing at a pile of ragged sweatpants and a sweatshirt which he'd lain out on the arm of the sofa. He tried to ignore the strange sensation of his pulse throbbing in his throat and turned his back on the dog. He did this not only out of courtesy to Sirius, who was currently transforming back into his human self, but also as he wasn't sure he was quite ready to see his best friend, and love of his life, standing completely nude in his sitting room. Instead he occupied himself with chopping his onion into miniscule pieces as Sirius dressed in the clothes Remus had left out.

"Remus?" Sirius called nervously from across the room. Remus turned cautiously and looked up to meet his gaze. Sirius looked much the same as the last time they had met but it still came as a horrific shock to Remus who had been half expecting to see his old friend before him, cocky grin in place and eyes full of life.

"How are you?" Remus managed to choke out past the tightness in his throat. "Dinner won't be long," he added suddenly very aware of how painfully thin the wrists were that were protruding from the cuffs of Sirius' sweatshirt and the hollowed look of his cheeks.

"Thanks," he replied quietly. "Remus, you know how grateful I am too you, but you don't have to do this. I can leave if I'm putting you out in any way." He gave Remus a meaningful look.

"Don't be ridiculous," Remus answered a little too quickly. "Sirius, you're my best friend, you always have been. Of course I'm going to help you. You can stay as long as you need – or want – to; I'm just sorry I can't offer you more." Remus gestured glumly at the tiny living space that was all he could afford.

Sirius' face seemed to light up a little and Remus thought he could see a strained attempt at a smile stretch across his face, although it was pained and unfamiliar as though it were something Sirius had forgotten how to do. The sight caused a strain on Remus' heart, seeing the Sirius he knew broken and unsure.

"Thanks," he said stepping towards Remus. "I'd hug you but I smell pretty awful to be honest. Any chance I could clean up a bit before we eat?"

Remus smiled reassuringly in return and showed Sirius to the miniscule bathroom, which was the only room separated from the rest of the living space. He ran a deep hot bath for Sirius, despite his protestations that a sink and a cloth would be fine, and left him alone with his favourite, thickest towel.

Remus occupied himself then with cooking dinner. He did everything by hand, the Muggle way, trying to take his mind off the thought of Sirius naked in the next room. The vision that flashed before him switched constantly between a healthy image of Sirius, as he had been in his schooldays, to a hideous, skeletal figure that Remus did not want to admit was probably much more accurate.

Twenty minutes later Remus' suspicions were confirmed when Sirius emerged from the bathroom, his long, dark hair dripping down his bare chest; he had only put the tracksuit bottoms back on after his bath. Remus' breath caught in his throat when he saw him. Sirius looked marginally more alive now, the bags under his eyes lighter and his eyes themselves seeming to have some of their old sparkle back, but at the same time he was horrifyingly thin; Remus could have counted every rib. He didn't realise he was staring until Sirius cleared his throat quietly and looked down at himself self-consciously; a look Remus had never seen on him before.

Remus muttered an incomprehensible apology and averted his eyes back to the food which was now bubbling away in a pan on the stove, trying to sway the urge to reach out for Sirius and pull him to him.

"I wondered if you had any scissors?" Sirius asked with false lightness in his voice, clearly ignoring what had just happened.

"Sure," Remus dug a pair out of the drawer without looking and handed them to Sirius. When Sirius didn't take them he looked up to see what the problem was.

"Would you mind...?" Sirius' voice trailed off as he tugged meaningfully at his long wet hair.

"Oh, I don't know, Sirius," Remus' eyes widened in surprise. Sirius had always been so particular about his hair, Remus didn't want to mess it up or do it an injustice.

"Come on, Remus," He said. "Look at me; I hardly think you can do anything to make me look worse." Remus looked sceptical. "Besides, I think it might help to make me feel slightly more... _human_."

Remus felt a painful twisting sensation in his chest as Sirius blushed slightly and his overwhelming empathy wouldn't let him refuse his friend.

Remus and Sirius had eaten a meagre meal of meatballs and pasta. Remus had deliberately given Sirius more to eat than he had and Sirius had been polite enough, or maybe just too hungry, not to argue.

Whilst they ate Remus had surveyed Sirius warily. The hair cut hadn't turned out as bad as Remus had expected and Sirius new shorter hair made him look remarkably younger and more like the familiar face that Remus remembered. Sirius asked a lot of questions over dinner about Remus, and what he had been doing with himself, but he only half-heartedly answered, aware of the one-sidedness of the conversation knowing all too well what Sirius had been doing with himself over the past 13 years and feeling partly responsible.

After dinner Remus had washed the dishes by hand and Sirius had insisted on drying them. Then together they had pulled out the sofa bed and made it up with pillows and Remus' thin, spare duvet. There was an awkward moment when they finished, neither knowing quite what to say; it had been so long since they had shared a room at Hogwarts together and they were both trying hard to remember how the days had ended then. In the end Remus drifted away to his own bed telling Sirius goodnight and that he was to help himself to anything he needed.

Remus lay awake for a long time, listening to the sound of Sirius breathing changing to a slow steady pattern. He felt an overwhelming urge to get up and check on him, just to see his face again, sleeping serenely but he resisted knowing he'd have a hard time explaining himself if Sirius woke up to find him staring down at him.

Remus was just drifting off to sleep himself when he realised Sirius' breathing had changed again. It had become more uneven and ragged. Remus could hear him fidgeting and shifting about beneath the covers and suddenly he began whining and whimpering like a wounded dog. The sound cut through Remus like a knife and he hurriedly slipped out of bed, moving silently over to the sofa bed. Sirius was thrashing about under his duvet and the whining was becoming more persistent.

Remus crouched down and reached out a shaking hand to grip Sirius' arm. He shook Sirius gently, whispering his name until suddenly Sirius' eyes snapped open starring horrified up at Remus. Neither of them said anything but Sirius' breathing became more uneven than before, hitching in his chest. He reached out for Remus with his free hand and pulled him down next to him on the bed.

Remus propped himself against the back of the sofa as Sirius buried his face into his shoulder, wrapping his arm around Remus' chest. Remus was glad it was so dark and that Sirius couldn't see the shock on his face; he hoped he wouldn't notice his heart pounding irrationally either. He sat awkwardly unsure what to say or do until he realised that his chest was beginning to feel wet under Sirius' face; he was crying. It was like something clicked into place as Remus pulled Sirius into him, caressing his thick, silky hair with one hand and firmly grasping his shoulder with the other, rocking him gently.

"It's ok, Padfoot," he muttered so quietly Sirius might not have heard him. "You're safe with me." Then the two sat silently clutching each other until they both fell asleep.

In the morning, when Remus finally woke Sirius was already in the kitchen making breakfast. He seemed happier today than yesterday and grinned eagerly when he saw that Remus was awake. The day passed quickly and although neither of them mentioned the previous night there was no awkwardness between them at all. Remus was worried what would happen when they were ready to turn in that night but Sirius erased all worry by beaming at Remus and declaring "Night, Moony," as he climbed onto the sofa bed.

Remus fell asleep before Sirius that night but was woken in the middle of the night by the whimpering again. This time he did not hesitate and climbed in beside Sirius as he shook him gently awake. Sirius' eyes were full of terror again when he woke and he instantly pulled himself closer to Remus burying his face again as tears spilled down his cheeks. Remus stroked Sirius hair and made shushing sounds as he gently rocked him again, whispering "Your safe, Padfoot. I've got you."

When the events of the first two nights repeated themselves on the third and fourth night Remus resolved that it was hardly worth him getting into his own bed at night and so on the fifth night under the pretence of reminiscing with Sirius about happier times, tormenting Snape at school, he resolutely sat propped up on the sofa bed. Sirius did not mention it but when they both began to finally drift off he shuffled closer and rested his head on Remus chest again. Though Sirius still whimpered a little that night the nightmares didn't seem to be as bad as they had been and they soon subsided as Remus combed his fingers soothingly through his hair.

The next morning Sirius was up and making breakfast again before Remus woke; as he had been every morning since he arrived. The dark circles under his eyes were only just visible now as he wafted the smell of frying bacon in Remus' direction.

Remus continued to make excuses to sit on the sofa bed each night until the two men fell asleep clinging to each other; Sirius clinging to the safety and security of Remus and Remus desperate partly for the physical contact but mostly to protect Sirius. It wasn't until Sirius had been at Remus' for almost two weeks that things changed.

Remus had been sitting on the sofa bed next to Sirius as usual, chatting about Harry and how like James he was, and Sirius' plans to care for him once his name was cleared as the room had darkened around them. Their voices began to grow thick from tiredness and soon Sirius leaned closer and rested his head in the familiar spot against Remus chest. Remus threaded his arm around Sirius and pulled him closer to him as he shuffled down in the bed.

"Moony?" Sirius whispered tentatively.

"Hmm?" Remus murmured. Sirius twisted his head round to look up at Remus face, meeting his gaze with his dark eyes and looking searchingly into Remus' hazel ones. Sirius' stare was almost intrusive and Remus felt his heart rate increase as he guessed what was coming; the conversation he had so wanted to avoid. He swallowed and attempted to control his breathing.

"I... What..." Sirius struggled to find the words as he stretched up bringing his face closer to Remus', who couldn't tear his eyes away from Sirius'. "Do you... Are you still...?"

"Always," Remus almost breathed the word as Sirius' face moved ever closer. He could almost taste his scent as Sirius' breath played across his face. Suddenly Sirius' hand moved up Remus' chest and brushed the side of his face. Remus' eyes fluttered closed for a moment and he leaned his head into Sirius' hand without thinking. Realising too late his eyes snapped back to Sirius', afraid of rejection again. Sirius looked nervous and unsure of himself, so unnatural for him, but he was leaning even closer. Their noses brushed ever so slightly and Remus breathed a deep uneven breath.

"Sirius..." he muttered, a pleading tone to his voice. He couldn't raise his hopes to be let down again, and yet the want for Sirius physically ached inside of him, not letting him move away when Sirius pressed his nose in closer to Remus' face and let their lips brush softly. Remus gasped a tiny gasp at the contact.

"Moony..." Sirius breathed still not seeming sure of himself; undecided about what he was doing. Remus inhaled the scent of Sirius' breath and had to employ all of his restraint not to just kiss him. He didn't want to rush Sirius into something he might regret; he had waited a lifetime for this moment and could not ruin it. He need not have worried however as Sirius seemed to make up his mind then pressing his lips softly against Remus'.

Remus' head span uncontrollably as Sirius kissed him hesitantly, finding his way. Remus could not respond as he struggled to retain every detail of the moment; Sirius' scent, the texture of his soft lips, the taste of them...

Slowly Sirius seemed to grow more confident, or perhaps more needy and he kissed Remus with more force. Remus felt as though his insides were on fire, burning with his desire for Sirius. He struggled to control himself as their lips moulded around each other, exploring; always following Sirius' lead not wanting to push too far.

Sirius' hands clawed at his back and twisted in his hair as he pulled himself closer to Remus; their legs entwined. Remus couldn't get close enough to Sirius, their bodies crushed against each other as he sought a way to be closer. His hands ran over Sirius body, committing every touch to memory, every contour of his bony frame, his back, his hips, his thigh that Remus' hitched it up higher, closer over his own hip...

When Remus woke the next day he kept his eyes closed trying to decide whether the previous night had been another dream or somehow reality. He listened for sounds of Sirius in the kitchen but instead felt a cool arm twist around his waist, long fingers toying with the hem of his t-shirt. His eyes opened warily, unsure what to expect but he found Sirius' face staring back at him.

Sirius, with uncertainty written on his face raised his eyebrows in a way that clearly asked "Are you ok?"

Remus nodded hesitantly, "You?"

"Yeah," Sirius replied softly.

"What...?"

Sirius made a half shrug, half head shake in response.

"Sirius," Remus felt doubt creeping over him. "I...was...were you just _checking_ again or... or was that something else?"

"I... honestly, I don't know," Sirius muttered. "That place... it... I..." Sirius tailed off but Remus was sure he heard the word '_alone_' before he was quiet again.

Remus didn't know what to say, or do. His heart ached to see Sirius this way, so needy and so he pulled him closer to him. He couldn't begin to understand the pain and suffering that his friend had gone through but Remus knew without thinking twice about it that if this is what Sirius needed to feel whole again that he would be there for him, no matter what. No matter how it might end, or what it might cost Remus that he would be there to love Sirius unconditionally, as he always had.


End file.
